My side of the desk: I need a diet; I want a diet.
Periodically, when meeting with clients, it is I who needs to process things afterward. Our conversation becomes personal for me or demands that I look at things differently – immediately. Below I write about one of those times.
On an early Tuesday morning, I started my day with a delightful 65-year-old woman who insisted she could not be trusted to make decisions about any part of feeding herself. “I need a diet; I want a diet.” My usual response would be to gently explain I don’t give out diets, and direct things back to the previous game plans we’d discussed. But not this morning. Something bubbled up inside of me and my thoughts went to things more significant than the conversation, more encompassing than the person that was sitting in front of me. My head and heart were suddenly ranting against the culture that didn’t acknowledge a woman's body wisdom or knowledge about good nutrition. The creative energy and patience that I rely on in my work with clients started heading out the door. As the feelings washed over me, it was clear this had nothing to do with my client and everything to do with me. But what was it? Why now?
A couple of days later I met with a colleague who has more professional experience and a deep, listening presence. I needed perspective, a moment to jump out of my usual reaction to things. We quickly got through the obvious reasons why I might have reacted, i.e., was there something about the woman that reminded me of myself? Her eating style? Her current life issues? No, was the answer to all those questions. As we continued the conversation, I finally took a deep breath and stopped talking, then I stopped thinking…and finally, finally landed in my heart. And there, where I least expected it, was the answer. “She deserved better.” My client deserved to be honored as the smart, competent woman she is in all aspects of her being: Her job as a seasoned manager, her role as a responsible, devoted daughter to an ill mom, as a single woman who had created a rich life for herself.
As you may be aware, anger and sadness are interconnected and here they were, in play again. My first reaction seemed like anger, but really, I was sad. I was sitting in the presence of yet another, incredible woman who could not lean into all that she brings to the table in this part of her life. Her experience with food had led her to “you do it for me because I can’t be trusted.”
I just don’t believe that. The question I was left with is how do any of us hold what we want, or need, with what is available? When the gap seems so wide, we suspend reality (for example by buying supplements that promise a 20-pound weight loss in 2 weeks) or our whole sense of self in order to get it (by abdicating responsibility for ourselves to another). As I stepped back from this situation, I realized that the usual options to help had not worked for her and probably wouldn’t for reasons out of her control. The possibilities could include a slow metabolic rate or some obscure enzyme deficiency that has yet to be discovered. For others, it is the situation that is out of their control; for example, the timing in her life is not right. Maybe a daily walk of 60 minutes is just not in the cards right now or significantly cutting calories requires more bandwidth than life allows at the moment.
When events are out of your control, out of your comfort zone, how do you hold on? How do you find peace with the situation? It is often difficult to find a simple, straight-forward solution because the answer changes depending on the event, the time in our life and the resources available to us. This is the time for listening to our deep inner wisdom about the best way to go. The place where the knowledge gained from all our living resides and waits for us to ask for help.
Reflection
How do you reach that deep inner wisdom? In what ways do you connect with that knowledge?