Nourishment and Never Good Enough – Insight into our “Silent to Do” list
There is a saying in politics “don’t let perfect be the enemy of good.” Have you heard this before? Maybe you have used it yourself? Take a moment to hold the phrase with the goals you have set for yourself: both the ones spoken, and most importantly, the ones that are unspoken- aka the Silent To-Do List.*** This second group of goals often pops up when I ask "what went well?" at the beginning of our follow up sessions. It is this list that folks seem to keep in their back pocket that allows them to dismiss success by going to that place of never-good-enough: “Well, I was able to do ‘X’ and ‘Y’ but I still need to do ‘Z’.” I’ll look at them quizzically, as it is often the first time I’ve heard about “Z”. So, what happens when a conversation heads in this direction? First, I ask to hear more about “Z” and why it has come to the forefront of their efforts. Each person has their reasons why “Z” has suddenly come up, and often those reasons are based on well-founded concerns. But the timing is the give-away that this might be a red herring. In my practice, a silent to-do list only seems to bubble up when folks are doing well, but very seldom when they have struggled with their goals. Also, if “Z” is important, why haven’t they mentioned it before? A little more exploring often shows success doesn’t “feel right” or is not deserved. As an aside, this issue of deserving is a tough one as it is often tied to a big personal goal that hasn’t been met yet. Usually the goal has always been important but for any number of reasons hasn’t been addressed (time, knowledge, etc). It becomes a convenient way to distract from their current success. For example, one of their medical concerns has to be addressed now - let’s say their cholesterol levels – even though they’ve been avoiding this issue for months or years. Or they had one slip up so that negates the whole effort (yeah, folks can be pretty hard on themselves). As mentioned, It seems this has to be addressed now before they can take a victory lap.
My next step with my clients is to honor this new goal and ask if they have the emotional and physical energy to add it to their master list of goals. Eventually I’ll circle back around to the original goal(s) (i.e. “X” and “Y”) and ask them to celebrate success with me. To hold the feeling of a job well done. Goals that transform are seldom easy and straight-forward. Yes, there will be a few that are easy enough, but most will require time and a deep commitment to stay focused on changing behavior(s). And as I’ve mentioned, change takes lots of emotional and/or physical energy. Think about other goals you have set in other parts of your life. Meeting them is usually a cause for small and/or big celebrations often with time to rest before embarking on the next goal. Why should goals of nourishment be any different?
Reflection:
Take a moment and make your own "silent-to-do" list as related to your big and little goals. Mine always seems to include when I clear off my kitchen table or catch up on professional reading (sigh--that will take a long forever:->).
Give some thought to the benefits of having a silent to do list. For me, not clearing off my kitchen table allows me to procrastinate on other goals and projects. If I dig a little deeper and ask “How does the procrastination serve me?”, I’ve found it often gives me a chance to take a break or take more time to think about how I’m going to tackle the project. See the next question for how this might backfire on me.
Then give some thought to the downside of having a silent to do list. Thinking about my kitchen table, how might I feel if I just took a break then cleared the table or scheduled creative planning time for my projects. Imagine the energy that I might gain if I skipped feeling bad about not moving on the kitchen table clutter or my other projects.
***This wonderfully descriptive term comes from the book “goodbye, things” by Fumio Sasaki. I like a post by vlogger Minimalist Mom explaining how these silent to-do items show up throughout the day, zapping our energy. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BtpAbdv4d98 While this video is not related to health goals, I think you'll see why it might be helpful.